What Is Your Therapist Listening For?

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on June 5, 2018 • By Alena Gerst, LCSW, RYT, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert

Advice is cheap.

Advice puts the onus on the listener and not the speaker.

Advice is often a quick fix—a mere Band-Aid on a wound that needs more persistent care.

I can usually detect someone’s frustration when, as their therapist, I pointedly do not offer advice. One of the skills therapists learn early in their training is one of the hardest, for both the therapist and the person in therapy sitting in silence. But drawing out more information from people is a psychotherapist’s most useful tool. After all, your therapist is a trained listener, not advice-giver.

That does not mean your therapist is merely looking at you and listening while you talk. Any skilled therapist will be listening acutely for specific signals, which they then use to guide the direction of the conversation over time.

In general, your therapist is listening for three things:

1. WHAT YOU REALLY WANT

Nobody knows you better than you. That is why advice so often fails to help you move in the direction you want to go. Ultimately, you have the answers to your questions, though they may be buried under the expectations, hopes, and dreams of others.

It is actually pretty rare that people ask us what we really, truly want. We spend so much of our energy and efforts trying to meet the needs and desires of others. This is true for concerns large and small. It has to do with how we spend our weekends, what we eat for dinner, the career paths we choose, whom we marry and when, whether or not we have children.

In a variety of ways, your therapist is asking you, “What do you really want?”

Answering that question can bring about changes you may never have expected—some joyful, some scary. But in the end, the answer comes from you and nobody else. The essence of your answers are what will guide you closer to the life you want.

2. CHANGE TALK

Speaking of changes, I am rarely surprised when I hear someone hint at something in their lives they wish would change. When I reflect that desire back to them, people often respond as if it is the first time they had thought about it.

Your therapist is listening for your change talk. It usually starts with a tentative, “Maybe I could …” or “I wonder what would happen if …” or “I’ve always thought it would be interesting to …”

When I dive deeper upon hearing something like that, usually those sorts of statements are brushed off as a pipe dream. Your therapist intervening to examine change-talk statements may require you to face some of your deepest fears. This could be a fear of failure, fear that it is too late to try something new, fear that you are lacking in the talent, charm, or financial means necessary to follow this line of thinking. The reasons I hear why people cannot take even the smallest steps toward their dreams are usually more creative, varied, and unpredictable than I could imagine.

That is the point of intervention for you and your therapist. Change talk is where the work of therapy begins.

3. YOUR SELF-REGARD

Many people are shocked when they finally recognize how hard they are on themselves. Over time, we develop core negative beliefs about ourselves which we mistakenly believe to be the truth.

Your therapist is listening for those types of statements. Don’t be surprised if your therapist picks up on a core negative belief about yourself and challenges it. Such beliefs, that we are not “enough” in some way, seep into our subconscious so much that we do not even realize how critically we speak to ourselves.

Confronting those beliefs are some of the most demanding aspects of therapy. But it is possible, even likely, that if you think you are not enough, your therapist does not think of you the way you do, and they will reflect that belief to help you develop a more positive (and realistic) self-regard.

So while your therapist may guide your conversation in certain directions, it is not to offer you advice. It is so you can both learn more about what you truly want. And, eventually, so you can both learn what steps you think are most appropriate to take.

Shall we get started?

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Alena Gerst, LCSW, RYT, therapist in New York City, New York

Making Sense of Sensitivity: How to Help Your Anxious Child

These days, most of us live with some degree of stress. For kids, between their homework, friends, after-school activities, sports, and worries about getting into college, it’s a whole new era of anxiety. It’s no wonder, then, that the National Institute of Mental Health states that the prevalence of diagnosed anxiety disorders among 13- to 18-year-olds is 25.1%.

If you’re a parent living with an anxious child, you know how tiring and frustrating it can be—for both of you. It’s not easy to live with the kid who’s so stressed out by homework assignments that he ends up throwing the book against the wall, or tearing the papers in frustration, or working until midnight to get it perfect. Or the teen who gets a migraine every time she has to go to school or start a new activity. With a little insight into how they feel, why they act the way they do, and what we can do to help, the job of parenting anxious kids gets a little easier.

How They Feel

Anxiety doesn’t always show up as worry. Sometimes it looks like anger, irritability, sadness, or fear. After a full day at school worrying and obsessing, kids often come home exhausted—and immediately act out.

Imagine spending an entire day in fight-or-flight mode. That’s when the brain perceives a danger and thus produces adrenaline and stress hormones to prepare for a quick getaway, like a caveman running from a tiger. This causes physical sensations such as dizziness, faster heartbeat, rapid breathing, and sweaty palms. In this state, it’s tough to think clearly or make good, informed decisions. Even the most mature of us might lash out after all that.

Then again, sometimes these struggling kids look like stereotypical “normal” kids—at least at school, where they may crave the approval of the teachers. Keeping very contained gives them a sense of control over their environment, helping to minimize the risk of what they see as danger. But when they come home, everything changes. In the safety of their own room, they might have panic attacks, refuse to follow rules, or get violent.

What This Is NOT

If you lived with this level of stress every day, you’d probably come home and explode, too—and maybe you do. Kids tend to store up their stress and take it out on those they can trust: their parents and family members. Sometimes your home might feel like a battlefield.

What’s important to know is that this is not manipulation.  Your child doesn’t want to be this way. It’s easy to think that he or she is acting out in order to get attention, or that if the child were less spoiled, less spiteful, or less rebellious, he or she would stop being “bratty.” But in reality, no one, especially a sensitive kid, would choose to constantly be in trouble.

Anxious children may lose it for a handful of reasons:

• Lack of self-control
• Storing up their frustration until it explodes
• Guilt
• Low self-esteem
• Unconsciously testing parents
  

How We Can Help

Anxious children generally lack two vital skills for reacting with calm and rationality. The first is regulation, or the ability to calm oneself. The second is self-soothing tools, or alternatives to turn to when their emotional temperature spikes.

The first way parents can help kids regulate is by modeling regulation. The more calm you are, the more they’ll learn from that ability. Research shows that humans’ heart rates attune with the people that they feel close to. So if someone holds us in a loving way, our heartbeats will often increase or decrease to match theirs.

Therefore, one way to help them relax is to reverse-match our activity to theirs. In other words, as they go up, we go down. If their bodies become jerky or uncontrolled, we keep our movements fluid and slow. As their volumes raise, we modulate our voices even more. And if they become angry or even nasty, we remain loving and firm.

Self-soothing tools fall into two main catagories: physical and mental. (These tools require some practice, and only their basics are described here.) Physical tools include breathing and stretching. Check out Dawn Huebner’s book, What to Do When You Worry Too Much, for great examples of how to stretch. Breathing exercises and body movement exercises help reset the inner thermostat. Exercise also helps to calm the body, so throwing a ball, jumping on a trampoline, or dancing around the living room are great ideas for breaks.

Mental self-soothing is achieved by thinking calming thoughts. This can be done with words, like a mantra that replaces the anxious thought. For instance, when a child says, “I can’t do it,” or, “I always screw up,” you can help him or her practice saying, “I just need to try my best.” Ask the child to come up with some alternate statements that make him or her feel better, and practice together.

In addition to words, images can also be self-soothing. Where is your child’s favorite place? Could he or she create an imaginary haven? When feeling stressed, have your child conjure up this “safe space” in his or her mind, whether it’s a sandy beach, flower garden, or private room. Breathing slowly and thinking about a quiet and peaceful place calms the body and soothes the mind.

The Long-Term Upside

These are sensitive kids; that’s why they feel things so deeply. So it’s helpful to remember the flipside of that sensitivity. These are children who tend to be insightful, empathetic, tuned in, passionate, dramatic, and thoughtful. They often thrive in creative pursuits and go on to amazing careers in helping professions. The traits that are so challenging to them now will serve them well as adults. For now, the best we can do is teach them to channel their sensitivity into self-care.

Reference:

Any anxiety disorder among children. (2015). National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/any-anxiety-disorder-among-children.shtml

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

Why Mindfulness Alone Isn’t Enough for Growth

As we develop in the practice of mindfulness, our capacity to be with our experience increases, and our relationship with ourselves softens and becomes sweeter. Being with our experience in a direct way—with a nonjudgmental attitude of curiosity—is at the core of mindfulness practice.

While mindfulness is important and necessary for self-development, is it enough if we want to deepen our inner journey? Before I answer that question, it is important to talk a bit about our sense of self and how it develops.

Self-Perception Has Its Limits

Put simply, our sense of self is largely developed through our interaction with our parents and our environment. Depending on the type of parenting and the level of safety and input we got during infancy, childhood, and adolescence, the way we perceive the world, orient to it, and experience ourselves in it becomes solidified (and, to some extent, rigid).

One way of measuring emotional health is by how flexible that sense of self is. Generally speaking, the input we received while growing up develops into filters and ideas about the world and ourselves that limit our perception of reality. When we do inner work, one of the aims is to understand, see through, and dissolve these filters and ideas we have about ourselves.

Some of these ideas, though, are so deeply ingrained in our psyches that we can’t conceive of experience without them; we come to believe that our filters are simply who we are. In order to understand and eventually dissolve the ones that no longer serve us, we need to experience their energy directly, without necessarily applying a conceptual understanding, yet (somewhat paradoxically) also have an understanding of how they developed.

Growth Requires More Than Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a great tool we can use to enter the experiential portion of the equation, for it will help us stay present and in direct contact with our experience. Mindfulness can also serve in the conceptual understanding by helping us stay focused and not get lost in the many thought patterns that our minds are constantly producing.

But if we practice mindfulness alone, seeing and dissolving these internal patterns is extremely difficult. Again, these patterns are so ingrained in us that we believe they’re who we are, and the possibility of us being something else is terrifying for our usual sense of self. In order to work with them, there needs to be some kind of friction that will help us see them clearly. On top of that, this friction must be contained in a deep sense of safety, so that we are able to tolerate the uncomfortable sensations and emotions the friction produces.

This friction can only come about in relationship. Because our patterns originated in relationship, they can be transformed in relationship. This is where psychotherapy and having others reflect to us our patterns are essential in the process of self-discovery.

Having an external, empathic person validating and observing our experience gives us the advantage of perspective, and if we are open and ready for it, this person can also help us see through our beliefs and filters about the world, other people, and ourselves. A good therapist can begin to point out these patterns and reframe them as our relationship to them.

Of course, a therapist isn’t the only person who can co-create this type of relationship. Any relationship will surface our patterns. Romantic relationships will expose them in the deepest way. However, a therapist—at least, a therapist trained to see unconscious, transference, and countertransference —specifically focuses on seeing our patterns, and provides a valuable holding environment to process and more deeply understand them.

Both Mindfulness and Relationship Are Essential

In my own process, I have benefited from mindfulness as well as continuous relationships with others. I could say that all of my relationships have served as mirrors and have helped me see my unconscious patterns, but I have to say that the most significant relationships have been my more lasting, committed ones. These include my past therapists, spiritual teachers, family of origin, deeper friendships, and romantic relationships. All helped me profoundly to see different aspects of my own patterns. In my relationship with my spouse, some of my deeper defenses began to arise.

With their help—and my own capacity, developed through mindfulness—I have been able to tolerate the experience of defenses dissolving to access the younger, more hidden parts of myself. Some of these parts are so deep within, and so afraid to relate, that it has taken years of continuous work for them to come to the surface. This can be a scary, even terrifying, process. Again, mindfulness alone will not suffice in this endeavor.

Frankly speaking, the fear is fear of dying. In a way, this is accurate; who I think I am is literally dying. However, when I am able to tolerate the experience, something else begins to arise and support me. As my attention stays with what’s happening, I am able to recognize that a subtler, and profound, presence is closer to who I am than my historical sense of self.

The practical implications of this discovery, and the integrations of it in my daily life, are very clear. For example, relationships have become more fulfilling; I’ve begun to have more access to expansive states of being; and I am able to more quickly recognize when I get caught up in old patterns. This is not a fixed, one-time achievement; it is an ongoing process of opening and dissolving ever-deeper structures.

To sum up, mindfulness is a great tool that will support our process of discovery at any stage; however, if we don’t also address our relational dynamics and personality patterns, our process will not deepen much. And in order to address these issues, we need others.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Manuel A. Manotas, PsyD, therapist in San Francisco, California. 

The Stigma Behind the Clutter: 7 Myths About Hoarding

If you’ve watched television in the last few years, you’ve likely come across a reality show about hoarding. Rather than truly educating the public on the condition, reality TV tends to dramatize the issue, spread misinformation, and increase stigma.

Hoarding reality shows can be misleading, as they often showcase only the most extreme cases of hoarding. Hoarding is a broad term that covers a vast range of circumstances. For example, a person with a hoarding problem may have difficulty getting rid of possessions but still have far less clutter than the individuals seen on TV.

An estimated 15 million people in the United States experience hoarding issues. Hoarding is a serious condition that can have devastating physical, emotional, social, financial, and legal effects on the individual and surrounding loved ones.

It’s time to bust the stigma and tell the truth. Here are seven common myths about hoarding.

1. Hoarding Is Just Another Name for OCD

Hoarding is a complex mental condition characterized by collecting too many items, an inability to let go of possessions, and trouble with organization. Until recently, hoarding was considered by mental health professionals as a form of obsessive compulsion (OCD).

While hoarding seems to be related to OCD, a vast percentage of individuals with hoarding problems do not exhibit other OCD symptoms. Even though some experts consider it a sub-type of OCD, typical treatment plans have not been shown to be effective at treating the symptoms of hoarding.

2. Hoarding Is the Same Thing as Being Disorganized

While being disorganized can be a problem itself, it is not as severe as hoarding. The major difference between someone who is hoarding and someone who is messy is hoarding can make it difficult for the person to function. People may accumulate so many items they can no longer sit on the sofa or use the stove. A person who hoards is often unable to get rid of such items even when they are no longer useful or they interfere with daily living. A messy person is usually able to let things go when necessary.

Hoarding is far more serious than being disorganized. Compulsive hoarding can affect a person’s ability to maintain relationships, keep a job, and take care of personal and household needs.

3. Cleaning Will Immediately Solve the Problem

Simply attempting to clean up a cluttered space without addressing the underlying issue typically fails to solve the problem. People may spend hours of time and thousands of dollars to clean out a space only to have the person relapse and start accumulating more stuff in just a few months.

Those whose homes are cleaned out without their permission also may experience extreme distress, complicating the issue. To completely stop hoarding, a holistic treatment plan may be more effective.

4. Hoarders Are Lazy, Dirty, and Unmotivated

Stereotyping people with a hoarding condition as dirty or lazy is an unfair stigma. People who hoard may have cognitive deficits in the brain, impairing their ability to make decisions as well as to keep things organized. Studies have also shown there may be a genetic component to hoarding problems.

Assuming a person who hoards is also dirty adds to the stigma surrounding a hoarding condition. The term hoarding most often refers to the accumulation of objects and clutter rather than dirt. It is common for a person who hoards to keep a clean house despite the clutter.

Hoarding is also common after a major loss when a person is unable to cope with grief in a healthy way. People who hoard are not lazy; they are just less capable than the average person at carrying out tasks and making decisions. Rather than being stigmatized, what people with a hoarding condition really need from others is compassion, empathy, and support.

5. Hoarders Are Collectors

Hoarding and collecting are two different things. Collectors tend to keep their items organized and proudly on display for others to see. People who hoard will rarely display their possessions, usually keeping their belongings in complete disarray. They often feel embarrassment and shame when others see their mess.

Hoarding also differs from collecting because it often prevents normal usage of the home. For example, a person’s kitchen appliances may no longer be accessible as a result of clutter.

6. Hoarders Can’t Stop Hoarding

Though it can be difficult for an affected person to stop hoarding, compulsive hoarding can be treated. Medication has not been shown to be effective against hoarding, though it may help alleviate some of the symptoms associated with it such as depression and anxiety.

Long-term therapy can effectively treat hoarding when combined with adequate education and support. Hoarding generally requires a holistic and comprehensive treatment program that addresses all aspects of a person’s life.

7. Hoarding Can Be Treated by a Single Medical Professional

Hoarding is a multi-faceted issue and typically requires a team of professionals to effectively treat the problem. Some professionals that may be involved in the treatment process include psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, professional organizers, building inspectors, and landlords, among others. These teams are often referred to as task forces, and approximately 75 cities currently have them in place to help those in the community who are struggling with hoarding.

If you or a loved one are struggling with hoarding problems, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or other mental health professional who specializes in hoarding.

References:

1. Baker, J., Bergren, M. G., Frost, J., Sanchez, L., Andreasen, T., & Bratiotis, C. (2014). Beyond the Sensationalism: Professional Responses to Hoarding Disorder in the Omaha Community. Retrieved from http://www.unomaha.edu/news/2014/04/hoardingwhitepaper.pdf
2. Bratiotis, C., Otte, S., et. al. (2014) Hoarding Fact Sheet. International OCD Foundation. Retrieved from https://iocdf.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Hoarding-Fact-Sheet.pdf
3. Dailey, S. G. (2013, February) Hoarding: A Complex Issue Needing Community Support. Age Wise: King County. Retrieved from http://www.agewisekingcounty.org/en/125/1/449/Hoarding-A-Complex-Issue-Needing-Community-Support.htm
4. Samuels, J., Shugart, Y., et al. (2007, March). Significant linkage to compulsive hoarding on chromosome 14 in families with obsessive-compulsive disorder: results from the OCD Collaborative Genetics Study. American Journal of Psychiatry, 164(3): 493-9. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17329475
5. Treneva, R. (2005, August 3). Hoarding: Myths and Misconceptions. Insight Bulletin. Retrieved from http://insightbulletin.com/hoarding-myths-and-misconceptions/
6. Webley, K. (2010, April 26). Hoarding: How Collecting Stuff Can Destroy Your Life. Retrieved from http://content.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1984444,00.html

© Copyright 2016 by www.GoodTherapy.org Ann Arbor Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org

Love vs. Lust: Are Sex and Love the Same Thing?

It is love or is it lust? Many have asked this question at some point, struggling to make a distinction between the two. According to recent science, the answer lies in the eyes.

“The eyes are the windows to the soul” is a popular phrase, and science has revealed the truth of this poetic line. Researchers have found eye movement alone can distinguish the feelings of love from lust.

Love or Lust: The Eyes Tell All

During a study by University of Chicago researchers, participants’ eye patterns were monitored while looking at a stranger’s photo. According to the results, a person who sees someone as a potential romantic partner would look at the person’s face, whereas a person who is feeling lust or sexual desire is more likely to look at the person’s body.

Other scientific studies have shown the brain regions involved in feelings of love are different from those involved in feelings of lust. Eye movement data proved different eye movements occur when a person views a photo of romantic love, such as a picture of a couple holding hands, versus a photo of an attractive person.

The Neurophysiology of Love and Lust

Though love and lust are interrelated, they are coordinated by different emotional systems and neural processes in the brain. Lust is ruled by the sex drive, which is processed in the endocrine and reproductive system, driven by testosterone and estrogen.

Physical attraction plays a role in feelings of lust and falling in love. Attraction is driven by the reproductive instinct and is subject to hormonal reactions as well as the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine.

After someone has fallen in passionate love, the initial excitement and passion may fade over time as the dopamine levels associated with novelty begin to level out. At this point, the love may grow into companionate love. This type of love is associated with bonding hormones, such as oxytocin and vasopressin.

Distinguishing Between Lust and Love

Although science indicates love and lust are distinct even on a physiological and neurological level, it may not make distinguishing between the two any easier for those under the charms of lust and romantic love. Differentiating between the two can be a challenge, as the feelings often occur simultaneously and both have the ability to cloud judgment. So how can you tell the difference?

Lust is purely physical attraction. It is an altered state of consciousness biologically driven by the instinct to procreate. It can be incredibly powerful and can at times surpass logic and reason. Lust is initiated by pheromones, chemicals secreted in sweat that reveal information about genetics and influence behavior. When you experience physical attraction and sexual desire for another, it is the result of bodily awareness of a good genetic match for creating offspring. Lust knows nothing about long-term compatibility or companionship.

Love is also an attraction, but it goes beyond a physiological impulse. Love is not immediate; rather, it grows over time. When you meet someone you fall in love with, it may start out as lust and grow into infatuation, which is what we commonly associate with romantic love.

When you become infatuated with another, you may begin to see through rose-colored glasses, putting the person on a pedestal and ignoring any flaws. Infatuation can become obsessive, leading someone to experience the “can’t eat, can’t sleep” phenomenon often associated with falling in love.

Scientific studies have shown the brain in love looks a lot like the brain on cocaine, with high dopamine levels and lowered serotonin. Eventually, the exciting feelings fade as the novelty of the relationship wears off and you are no longer under the lover’s haze. It is often at this stage when people begin to see their partner clearly without projections, and flaws start to become apparent. Lovers either realize they are not compatible and part shortly after infatuation fades or they commit to the relationship and develop companionate love for one another.

Lust and infatuation require little commitment or effort, whereas love generally requires a high degree of both. A successful loving relationship requires honesty, communication, compassion, respect, and trust. Love is most often built on a strong mutual foundation. Love usually involves personal sacrifice. When you’re in love, you shift from “me-thinking” to “we-thinking.” It is the willingness to consider another’s well-being in the same way you would your own.

References:

1. Blair, L. (2010, July 14). Mistaking lust for love. The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/14/mistaking-lust-for-love
2. Fisher, H. E. (2000, January 1). Brains do it: Lust, Attraction, and Attachment. The Dana Foundation.Retrieved from http://www.dana.org/Cerebrum/Default.aspx?id=39351
3. Ingmire, J. (2014, July 17). Eye movements reveal difference between love and lust. UChicago News. Retrieved from http://news.uchicago.edu/article/2014/07/17/eye-movements-reveal-difference-between-love-and-lust
4. Lahat, I. (2014, July 9). The Brain Looks the Same When We’re in Love or High on Cocaine. Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/the-brain-looks-the-same-high-on-love-or-cocaine-2014-7

© Copyright 2016 by www.GoodTherapy.org Pasadena Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org

Getting Back Up: 3 Keys to Becoming More Resilient

The concept of resiliency, or the ability to bounce back after a stressor or hardship, has been popping up a lot lately in articles and studies about how to be happier. But although it sounds like a buzzword, resilience is more than just a trendy idea—it’s a key factor in how we cope with the world. Over and over in trauma studies, it’s been shown that not only can people recover from brutal circumstances, they can thrive from them. It turns out what matters is not how hard or how often we fall, but whether we’re willing to get back up.

The fall we’re recovering from can range from serious trauma, such as war, to common struggles such as relationship breakups. And sometimes crises are like a trampoline: the farther down you fall, the higher you can bounce back up. In Supersurvivors, authors David B. Feldman and Lee Daniel Kravetz list people who have lived through ordeals and gone on to extraordinary accomplishments, such as man who ran a triathlon within a year of being struck by a drunk driver and losing his leg. 

Although it’s tempting to think only exceptional people have a talent for bouncing back, it’s within all of us. As humans, we have a natural tendency toward healing. When we cut a finger, our body immediately sends platelets to clot the blood and white blood cells to fight infection. Similarly, when we go through a traumatic experience, the brain immediately begins to look for ways to make sense of it and feel better. We don’t have to be “super” survivors to be good at growing from struggle. We can just tune in to our innate predisposition for well-being, and cultivate it.

So how do we become more resilient? There are a few key conditions that help this strength grow. The first is faith. To be able to withstand something bad happening and not feel devastated and frozen by it, we have to believe in something positive. Sometimes this faith is religious, but it doesn’t have to be. My brilliant mentor talks about feeling a confidence in “a friendly future,” or a general optimistic belief that things will work out.

Feldman and Kravetz don’t adhere to the idea of optimism, which they state is not always helpful after a crisis in which it’s obvious things won’t simply work out well. Instead, they assert the concept of “grounded hope,” which combines positivity with realism. We don’t just wake up from overwhelming loss and sprinkle sunshine on it, Pollyanna-style. Instead, we can gradually learn to accept that bad things happen, come to terms with the unfairness of life, and THEN move forward, often with new skills such as better coping techniques, more frustration tolerance, and increased compassion for other people in tough circumstances. 

It turns out the majority of trauma survivors recover and recuperate. I’ve heard from people who were abused for years, conscripted into cults, or who lost not just their spouses but also their children in wars. Despite the horrors they endured—struggles I look at and wonder if I could live through—most of them pick themselves back up. They start new families. They find things to laugh about. And many of them say the same thing: “What other choice do I have?” They somehow found the strength and faith to continue forward movement, instead of giving in permanently to grief.

Another condition of resiliency is to combine thinking about it with not thinking about it. To progress from something takes both leaning in and feeling the difficult feelings from it, as well as leaning away and distracting from it. I call it “touch and release.” When anxiety or sadness or overwhelm come up, we spend a little time “touching” them, or acknowledging and experiencing them, despite how painful this can be. Then we let them go, momentarily, by focusing on things that are more pleasant or calming. What we choose to distract ourselves with can be sensory, such as a warm bath or massage, or active, such as a walk in the park or a workout. It can be large (a trip to Australia) or small (Jamoca Almond Fudge). The important thing is to find what soothes you, and practice it regularly.

A final important factor is relationships. Over and over, in research and in life experience, it has been shown that human connectedness promotes healing. Isolating ourselves, a common urge when we’re feeling lousy, and not talking things out is a quick path toward fear and pain.

Connection works best if it goes both ways—we take support from friends and family, then we give back to our community. Find activities that increase your feeling of being meaningful in the world and help you stay attached to the larger world. Volunteer activities, reaching out to others who are struggling in support groups, and nonprofit work can make us feel useful. In addition, they perform the sweet alchemy of turning emotion into empathy: I understand your pain because I’ve felt mine so acutely.

So go ahead, fall off the bike. You don’t have to learn a great lesson from it, and you don’t have to use your experience to become the greatest bike rider who ever lived. Sometimes it’s enough to just get back on the bike and pedal onward.

Reference:

Feldman, D. B., & Kravetz, L. D. (2015). Supersurvivors: The Surprising Link Between Suffering and Success. New York, NY: Harper Wave.

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org