Covert Narcissism: The Quiet Counterpart to Narcissistic Personality

Originally posted on Good Therapy on August 22, 2019 • By Crystal Raypole

Even people without an extensive knowledge of mental health concerns have likely heard of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or narcissism, as it’s commonly called. The term “narcissist” is often used casually to refer to people who don’t necessarily have a diagnosis of narcissism if they appear to have some narcissistic traits, such as grandiose delusions, low empathy, arrogance, and a need for admiration.

Portrayals of characters with narcissism in movies and television have also increased the condition’s notoriety. While depicting characters with mental health issues in the media can help increase awareness, it can also create problems. In the case of narcissism, much of what’s seen in popular culture rests heavily on stereotypes associated with grandiose and malignant narcissism. If people with narcissism aren’t portrayed as outright villains, they’re typically portrayed as toxic or harmful individuals.

If you’ve had a close relationship with someone who has NPD, you might agree that many of these stereotyped traits have truth to them. Still, it’s important to recognize that NPD can occur in varying degrees of severity, occurs on a spectrum, and can present in different ways. As a result, you may not always recognize someone has narcissism, especially if they live with a less-known subtype such as covert (vulnerable) narcissism.

COVERT VS. OVERT NARCISSISM

Covert narcissism is also known as shy, vulnerable, or closet narcissism. People with this subtype tend not to outwardly demonstrate arrogance or entitlement. Instead, they might put themselves down and seem anxious about what others think of them, rather than exuding charm or confidence. Other people may describe them as quiet and sensitive, especially to criticism.

Similarities between subtypes may become more evident with closer exploration of symptoms and feelings. People with overt narcissism generally seek attention outwardly and put themselves forward as superior. They might show patterns of exploitative or manipulative behavior that relate to a personal sense of entitlement and need for recognition.

Covert narcissism often involves a more internalized experience. People with these traits still feel unappreciated, need admiration, have contempt for those they consider inferior, and believe they should get special treatment. But instead of displaying outward grandiosity, they may privately fantasize about having their special qualities recognized or getting revenge on people they believe have slighted or wronged them in some way.

SIGNS OF COVERT NARCISSISM

Not every person with some or all of the listed traits will have any type of NPD, but the following characteristics may help identify covert narcissism in people who meet criteria for NPD.

• A reserved or self-effacing attitude
• Humility or a tendency to put themselves down
• Smugness or quiet superiority
• Passive-aggressive behavior
• Envy of others and/or feeling that they deserve what other people have
• A lack of empathy for the feelings or situations of other people
• A tendency to step in and help others out of a desire for recognition
  

Narcissistic traits usually show up in all of a person’s relationships and interactions, but they might manifest in slightly different ways depending on the situation.

• In parents: Parents may seem to prioritize their child’s needs and feelings and make sacrifices to ensure their child’s success. But these behaviors generally result from the desire to be the “best” or perfect parent and achieve recognition and admiration from others. Not receiving this recognition may lead to anger or self-pity. Parents with covert narcissism may also use guilt to manipulate children who attempt to claim some independence.
• In the workplace: People with covert narcissism may feel superior to coworkers or supervisors, believe they’re the most intelligent or best at what they do, and harbor fantasies of being elevated above others. They may envy peers who do receive recognition, believing others don’t understand or appreciate them. This may contribute to interpersonal difficulties or subtle bullying.
• Among friends: Friends may offer admiration and respect, and it’s common for people living with narcissism to manipulate others in order to get sympathy, support, or attention. People with narcissism don’t always completely lack empathy for the difficulties of others, but the empathy they can offer tends to be limited to what they’ve experienced themselves. They tend to feel neglected or rejected when they’re not getting the attention they feel they deserve, so they may try to bring every conversation back to them—but this may be done in less obvious ways.
  

COVERT NARCISSISM AND RELATIONSHIPS

Recognizing covert narcissism in a loved one may be more difficult than recognizing grandiose or malignant narcissism. Some people living with narcissism may function well in society and maintain romantic relationships without causing their partner distress. But it’s very common for partners of people with NPD, especially untreated NPD, to experience gaslighting, neglect, and manipulation.

Some common experiences include:

• Lack of empathy from your partner
• Passive-aggressive attempts to get your sympathy
• Dismissiveness or contempt from your partner
• Feeling controlled or belittled

Covert narcissism involves a high level of sensitivity, so your partner might take things you say as criticism, rejection, or personal attack. They might act as if you bore them and show disinterest in your emotions and experiences. It’s important to reach out to a therapist if you feel manipulated, neglected, or otherwise distressed as a result of your partner’s actions. Couples counseling may help in some instances, but it won’t work unless your partner wants to change. Individual therapy, however, can help you get support.

COVERT NARCISSISM AND MENTAL HEALTH

According to 2015 research looking at the diagnostic and clinical challenges associated with narcissism, people often seek treatment for co-occurring mental health conditions rather than narcissism itself.

People with covert narcissism may be more likely to have anxiety or depression than people with other subtypes. Non-suicidal self-harm is also not uncommon, and people with covert narcissism often experience feelings of emptiness or low self-esteem that can contribute to suicidal ideation.

Treating narcissism can be difficult, since many people living with the condition never seek or want help. The stigma associated with narcissism can make it even more difficult to get help. Receiving messages like “narcissists are evil” and “narcissists can’t change” may discourage even those who do want to seek help from trying.

Like other personality disorders, narcissism involves a long-standing pattern of emotions and behavior that may not seem unusual to someone living with the condition. Because of this, people who have covert narcissism, or any NPD subtype, will probably seek treatment for a co-occurring mental health issue. A therapist who recognizes traits of narcissism may then be able to help a willing individual begin working to change problematic patterns of behavior.

Some therapies show particular promise in helping address NPD. Schema therapy and psychodynamic therapy are two approaches considered most helpful. Therapists who offer compassion, validation for negative emotional experiences, and empathy for distress may be able to help clients uncover reasons for their vulnerability and address problematic behaviors, which may lead to change. People with covert narcissism may do better in therapy than those with malignant narcissism, which is often characterized by manipulative and sadistic behavior.

It’s generally accepted in the mental health field that people who want to change can improve if they seek support and are willing to make an effort. If you’d like to seek support for yourself or a loved one, begin looking for a compassionate counselor at GoodTherapy today.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fifth edition.Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association.
2. Behary, W. T., & Dieckmann, E. (2011, July 20). Schema therapy for narcissism: The art of empathic confrontation, limit-setting, and leverage. In W. K. Campbell and J. D. Miller (Eds.), The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.
3. Caligor, E., Levy, K. N., & Yeomans, F. E. (2015, April 30). Narcissistic personality disorder: Diagnostic and clinical challenges. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 415-422. Retrieved from https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14060723?url_ver=Z39.88-2003&rfr_id=ori%3Arid%3Acrossref.org&rfr_dat=cr_pub%3Dpubmed&
4. Dickinson, K. A., & Pincus, A. L. (2003). Interpersonal analysis of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Journal of Personality Diosrders, 17(3), 188-207. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/8db5/d181e5ec85fd61de162d3c43e70611eaf4a4.pdf
5. Jauk, E., Weigle, E., Lehmann, K., Benedek, M., & Neubauer A. C. (2017, September 13). The relationship between grandiose and vulnerable (hypersensitive) narcissism. Frontiers in Psychology, 8. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01600
6. Luchner, A. F., Mirsalimi, H., Moser, C. J., & Jones, R. A. (2008). Maintaining boundaries in psychotherapy: Covert narcissistic personality characteristics and psychotherapists. Psychotherapy, 45(1), 1-14. doi: 10.1037/0033-3204.45.1.1
7. Mayo Clinic Staff. (2017, November 18). Narcissistic personality disorder. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
8. Poless, P. G., Torstveit, L., Lugo, R. G., Andreassen, M., & Sutterlin, S. (2018, March 12). Guilt and proneness to shame: Unethical behaviour in vulnerable and grandiose narcissism. European Journal of Psychology, 14(1), 28-43. doi: 10.5964/ejop.v14i1.1355
   

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

Support, Don’t Contort: 3 Questions About Your Relationships

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on August 14, 2019 • By Alena Gerst, LCSW, RYT

All relationships require compromise.

This is true for friendships, work relationships, and romantic partnerships. When we are genuinely committed to an outcome, whether it be a work-related result or maintaining a healthy interpersonal dynamic, we are required to be flexible in our expectations.

Sometimes you may find yourself feeling uncomfortable in a relationship. You notice that your willingness to compromise has been feeling more like sacrifice. You are giving more than receiving. You want to be supportive, but somehow the expectation, from someone else or even from yourself, has become too great. You feel resentful, or shamed, and you do not understand why.

SUPPORTING AND CONTORTING

I often have conversations in my work about the difference between supporting and contorting. The idea is that supportive relationships are a good thing. You can lean on one another for input and reassurance. Support can even call for a well-intentioned challenge to try harder or aim higher. Your supportive relationships encourage you to be yourself, enhance your strengths, and more fully realize your potential.

By contrast, contorting, which literally means “to bend out of the normal shape,” characterizes those relationships which, to put it simply, feel bad. If you feel like you have to contort yourself to suit someone else’s values or their emotional or physical needs, this is a sign that the relationship needs to be handled differently.

I often have people coming to me to talk about their frustrations with people or situations in their life. One of the first signs I listen for as we begin to consider how to address the situation is whether the relationship is supporting or contorting.

Can this person be themselves in the relationship? Or do they feel like they need to try and be someone else in order to belong?

I usually listen for 3 specific signs to help me understand how the relationship is operating, and how my client is functioning within the relationship. If you are not sure whether you are in a supporting relationship or contorting to keep the relationship going, here are some things to ask yourself:

1. Do you feel energized or depleted?

Supportive relationships are invigorating. Even when someone challenges you, the challenge will leave you feeling motivated to do better. If you are feeling supported, you will want to invest your energy and time into creatively solving problems in ways that are uniquely yours. That is one of the reasons psychotherapy is so popular as a source of support. A seasoned therapist will help you uncover your own solutions to a problem and follow through with confidence, as opposed to telling you what your next steps should be.

In a contorting relationship, often someone will be directing you to behave in a certain way, either explicitly or by implying you should be doing things how they see fit. When you are contorting yourself to another’s preferences, you may notice you feel tired when thinking about that person or being in their presence.

2. Do you feel authentic in this dynamic? Or do you feel like you have to be someone you are not?

This is the crux of so much work in psychotherapy. Think about your interactions with very young children. They are often deeply invested in you knowing exactly who they are. Most children make their preferences known in very clear ways, verbally and nonverbally.

Something happens to many of us over time as we mature. We indeed become more flexible and willing to compromise than most young children. But through that growth process, along with the need to belong in social groups or society as a whole, we begin to lose our sense of self.

The key to creating supportive relationships is having a sense that you can be your truthful self. That does not mean you behave like a small child of course! But it does mean you develop language internally, and in your interactions, where you know your innate preferences and stay true to them.

If you find yourself in a relationship or dynamic in which you feel like you have to talk, dress, or behave like someone other than you, it is time to ask yourself if you are contorting. If so, my next questions for you is whether this is really necessary? Have you tried to be yourself in this relationship, or have you been too anxious to take the risk? If the relationship would fail without you contorting, you need to reevaluate your involvement.

3. Is the relationship sustainable or temporary?

Supportive dynamics do not tend to lend themselves to questions of longevity. Of course life changes, needs evolve, and people move on from relationships or jobs all the time. But in general, if a relationship is supportive, you will not find yourself preoccupied with whether this interplay will persist or how it could end. Sustainability is a given when support is mutual and rewarding.

Contorting relationships often have a sense of temporariness to them. There is a feeling that if you do not contort yourself to suit someone else’s preferences, the relationship does not have a chance to endure. If you feel distracted or concerned that being yourself and making your needs known in a relationship would lead to the relationship ending, you are contorting yourself. It may work to keep the relationship going for a limited period, but neither you nor the relationship will thrive.

MAKE THE ADJUSTMENT

When considering how you want to address a relationship in which you are contorting, I invite you to keep in mind one of my key phrases to live by: You can’t ever change someone else’s behavior. You can only adjust your own.

As you make the necessary changes to steer the relationship out of contorting territory into a more self-assured, supportive direction, your counterpart will also have to adjust in response. And you really have no way of predicting how that will go. Their response may not be what you were hoping for, or it could be better than you expect. But their changes will often reveal to you your own next steps as you strive to change a contorting relationship into a more supportive one.

Sometimes relationships hit bumps in the road. Misunderstandings can happen. There may even be betrayals that cause deep wounds. But if you find yourself consistently having an interpersonal problem and merely venting about it is not helping, my guess is you are running up against a situation demanding that you contort. Consider your feelings as a red flag, a warning sign that you are leaving a supportive zone. You are being invited into a situation that does not lend itself to acknowledging or appreciating your true self and preferences.

Compromise is a part of life, and it is something we do in ways large and small every day. That is the nature of a supportive environment. Yet sacrifice, while necessary at times, is not recommended as a way to live in a healthy, functioning relationship over time.

A compassionate therapist can help you bring your authentic self into your relationships. Remember that your needs matter. There is no shame in needing support.

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Alena Gerst, LCSW, RYT, therapist in New York City, New York