Am I Passive-Aggressive? Signs You’re Using Passive Aggression to Cope

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on May 22, 2019 • By Zawn Villines

Confronting difficult emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment can be painful. It’s even harder to address those emotions in our relationships with others. Passive aggression allows people to subtly vocalize their negative emotions without directly addressing the source of the discomfort. While passive-aggressive behavior can feel good and even righteous, it slowly erodes relationships, eliminating any chance of fixing the underlying problem.

WHY AM I PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?

Passive aggression allows people to give voice to uncomfortable emotions without directly tackling the source of the problem. People may behave passive-aggressively for many reasons, including:

• Fear of authority. An employee, child, or other person in a subordinate role may fear that directly addressing their concerns will result in punishment.
• Fear of loss. Some people worry that telling a person how they feel will cause that person to reject them. For example, a husband may not want to tell his partner about his jealousy, fearing their judgment or rejection.
• Poor communication. Sometimes people use passive aggression because previous attempts at direct communication have not gone well. Passive aggression may be an attempt to prevent conflict from spiraling out of control in a troubled relationship.
• Modeling. Not all passive-aggressive communication is deliberate. People who grew up with passive-aggressive parents may think this way of communicating is effective and normal.
• Shame. Some people feel ashamed of their emotions, especially anger. Passive aggression allows them to voice those feelings without admitting to them.
  
  
  “Passive aggression is a tactic people use to show their angry feelings in a seemingly non-combative, consequence-free way,” says Andrea Brandt, PhD, MFT, a therapist in Santa Monica, California. “When you have a deep fear of conflict, passive aggression is a way to cope with your anger while avoiding a fight. Instead of telling your partner they’ve upset you or aren’t meeting your needs, you give them the cold shoulder. But, when you don’t ask for what you need, the odds of getting your needs met are greatly reduced. Passive aggression is an obstacle standing in the way of emotional intimacy.”
  

  PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TEST: SIGNS OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

  You may be at risk of engaging in passive-aggressive behavior if you feel unable to share your emotions. Some risk factors for passive aggression include:
  • Feeling ashamed of or conflicted about your emotions.
  • Fearing others will not care about your emotions.
  • Fearing conflict in a relationship.
  • Being in a subordinate position to another person with whom you have conflict.
  • Not wanting to lose another person’s approval.
  • A history of intense relationship conflict when bringing up problems.
  • Having parents or family members who were often passive-aggressive.
  • Not knowing how to productively talk about problems.
  • Feeling angry with a person but unprepared to discuss your anger.
  Some examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:
  • Making back-handed compliments. “Thanks for cleaning up the kitchen this morning instead of trashing it.”
  • Passively punishing someone for a perceived slight. For example, rather than discussing her hurt feelings, a parent might give her child the silent treatment.
  • Speaking negatively about someone to other people, but not directly addressing the problem.
  • Procrastinating or deliberately failing to do things.
  • Adding invalidating comments into otherwise innocuous or productive conversation. For example, “Is there any reason you didn’t clean up the kitchen?” contains the presumption that there can’t possibly be a valid reason.
  • Refusing to move beyond conflict, even while insisting the conflict is resolved.
  • Sabotaging others. For example, inviting a friend who is trying to save money on a shopping trip might be a form of passive aggression.
  • Getting quiet, sullen, or distant in response to a perceived slight.
  • Making comments that can be deflected as a simple misunderstanding. When questioned about passive-aggressive behavior, people who are passive-aggressive may tend to insist that the other person is misunderstanding or being unfair.
  • Deliberately not saying what one really feels. For example, a person might insist they were fine when they’re really not and be angry with a loved one for not noticing their hurt feelings. Or they might say “yes” when they really want to say “no,” then behave in resentful ways.
  • Deliberately doing things you know irritate the other person, such as showing up late or forgetting special events.
  • Making sarcastic or condescending comments.
  • Shifting responsibility. “I’m not mad at you. I’m just in a bad mood because you woke me up too early.”
  • Relying on others to decipher the meaning or intent of indirect communication or actions.
  Some hallmarks of direct, effective, non passive-aggressive behavior include:
• Directly and specifically talking about communication issues and relationship problems, without blame or hostility.
• Owning one’s own feelings.
• Listening to the other person’s perspective, including when they are critical of your behavior.
• Not assuming that another person knows what you want, understands why you are upset, or should easily be able to decipher your behavior.
• Treating the other person as a partner for resolving the conflict, not as an enemy.
  

• HOW TO STOP BEING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP

  Passive-aggressive behavior is inherently self-defeating. It fuels conflict and resentment. Over time, this decreases the likelihood that direct communication will be successful. It also erodes trust and communication and can make a person seem unreasonable and hostile when the real problem is communication style, not emotions.
  The first step toward eliminating passive aggression is to understand its source. Is the passive aggression limited to a specific relationship, or a widespread form of coping? Do certain situations trigger passive-aggressive behavior? Are you aware of when you are being passive-aggressive? What happens when you communicate more directly? Sometimes practicing direct communication in a nonthreatening setting is helpful for eliminating passive-aggressive behavior.
  For some people, passive aggression can become so integrated into their personality that it undermines most relationships. Passive-aggressive personality disorder, sometimes called negativistic personality disorder, is characterized by a widespread avoidance of direct communication. People with this personality diagnosis may have a long pattern of troubled relationships and may feel resentful about reasonable demands to directly communicate without hostility. This personality diagnosis is neither well-researched nor well-understood, and it is not listed in the DSM-5.
  Therapy can help people identify harmful communication styles and establish better communication. Couples counseling may help when a relationship is so destructive or filled with conflict that partners don’t feel safe talking directly to one another. Individual counseling can help people identify the reasons for passive-aggressive communication and rehearse more effective strategies.
  
  To find a compassionate therapist who can help with passive aggression, click here.
  References:
  1. Carey, B. (2004, November 16). Oh, fine. You’re right. I’m passive-aggressive. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/16/health/psychology/oh-fine-youre-right-im-passiveaggressive.html
  2. Hall-Flavin, D. K. (2016, June 9). What is passive-aggressive behavior? What are some of the signs? Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
  3. Hopwood, C. J., & Wright, A. G. (2012). A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders. Journal of Personality Assessment, 94(3), 296-303. doi: 10.1080/00223891.2012.655819
  © Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

How White Denial of Racism Can Fuel Inequality

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on May 3, 2019 • Contributed by Tahmi Perzichilli, LPCC, LADC/a

Denial has been said to be the trademark of addiction, and it has been long identified in the field of psychology. Denial is also relevant to experiences of trauma. These include witnessing trauma, inflicting trauma, and surviving trauma. Furthermore, white denial of racial trauma is the breath of racism.

WHAT IS DENIAL AND WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?

Denial is a refusal to accept reality in order to protect oneself from a painful event, thought, or feeling. It is a common defense mechanism that gives a person time to adjust to distressing situations. For example, a person with drug or alcohol addiction will often deny that they have a problem. People indirectly dealing with the addiction, such as family or friends of the addicted person, may also deny the severity of the issue.

It is possible to deny some aspects of reality while accepting other aspects. For example, a person may acknowledge there is an issue (such as addiction) while denying the need to take action (such as quitting the drug).

Denial isn’t limited to individuals. It has also been recognized on a cultural scale. Current examples include conspiracy theorists’ claims that the Holocaust never occurred or the renunciation of global warming.

Some experts theorize that denial occurs in linear, progressive stages. These types of denial include the following:

• Denial of fact (“That’s not true”)
• Denial of awareness (“I had no idea”)
• Denial of responsibility (“It’s not my fault”)
• Denial of impact (“That wasn’t my intention”)

Denial is initially an unconscious adaptive response. It can also be one of the most primitive, meaning that while it can be very effective short-term, it is ineffective and potentially harmful in the long-term.  Staying in denial interferes with change.

HOW DENIAL CAN CONTRIBUTE TO RACISM

The stigma associated with being racist often fuels white denial—the refusal to accept that racism exists. Racism can be defined as the discrimination and/or oppression inflicted upon individuals belonging to a socially constructed racial category. Racism happens at three levels:

1. Institutional—Discrimination through laws or social norms.
2. Individual—When one person discriminates against a minority group.
3. Internalized­—When a marginalized person believes stereotypes about their group and/or blames themself for any discrimination they face.

Racism requires the combination of prejudice, power, access, and privilege. It has been summarized as a pathology of power marked by ignorance.

The infamous photograph of the horrific lynching of Rubin Stacy in 1935 is a striking example of white denial. The photo shows a white child in the crowd dressed in her Sunday best. She is smiling while looking at the dead body of a black man hanging in the tree.

The child could be considered a visual representation of how the short-term coping response of denial evolves into a long-term strategy. The photo demonstrates how racism can be embedded in the culture we grow up in (institutionalized). It also shows how our belief system and our physiology can embody racism (individualized and internalized).

Studies on epigenetics reveal how trauma responses can be passed down through generations, not only through learning and conditioning, but also through genetics. One study shocked male mice while exposing them to the scent of a cherry blossom. The mice then showed a trauma response every time there was the scent, even without being shocked. The trauma response was also present in the mice’s children and grandchildren when they were exposed to the scent of a cherry blossom, even though they never experienced a shock. Their genes were altered.

The study suggests that a person may not have to directly experience a traumatic event to enact a trauma response. In other words, a traumatic response to a relevant trigger can occur even when a person doesn’t know what the original stimulus was. Regarding the photo, the loved ones grieving Rubin Stacy’s death could have passed down their trauma response to their descendants. Future descendants of the white child may embody her physiological response as well.

White denial, and the identified physiological response, may be relevant in the concept “the privilege of numbness”.  The term refers to emotional numbness as an adverse effect of racism. This numbness may enable white individuals to ignore or perpetuate a system of racism that benefits them without feeling guilt about others’ suffering. Transforming and healing the societal trauma of racism must include healing the numbness of people who benefit from racism.

WHEN IGNORANCE IS INTENTIONAL

Conscious acts of denying can also appear when people face ethical dilemmas. A study examining shopping behaviors found that if consumers were specifically told that a product was made in an unethical way, the consumers wouldn’t purchase the product. However, when consumers were given the choice to hear the backstory on the product, most people chose to not know.

Researchers asked participants to rank jeans by picking two of four categories to do so:

1. Style
2. Color
3. Price
4. Whether or not child labor was used to make the clothing

More than 85% of participants did not choose child labor as a category for their consideration. These results suggest the vast majority of participants were “willfully ignorant.”  Researchers found the conscious act of denial was at least in part due to an unconscious fear of being upset by what would be discovered.

Next, researchers asked the willfully ignorant participants what they thought of consumers who chose to research a brand’s labor practices before making a purchase. The response? The willfully ignorant participants tended to degrade the ethical consumers, not just with criticism, but also with character attacks.

Why the hate? Research indicated the participants were unconsciously acting out due to their own guilty feelings. Perhaps even more concerning, a related study demonstrated that willfully ignorant consumers who degraded their ethical peers were less likely to support the social cause in the future.

ADDRESSING DENIAL THROUGH SELF-EXAMINATION

Challenging denial is typically an ongoing process of self-examination and radical honesty. Denial is universal—everyone perceives events through personal bias. Therefore, confronting denial often starts at an individual level.

When challenging your own denial, remember to consider the following:

• Realize that denial and personal bias are largely implicit and unconscious processes. Uncovering and confronting social conditioning requires ongoing effort and outside feedback. We all have blind spots.
• Remove the blame and shame. Binary judgments of good/bad can further increase stigma. Stigma in turn can heighten defense mechanisms and trigger trauma reactions (i.e. denial).
• Replace blame and shame with vulnerability, curiosity, and humility. Embrace feelings that allow for growth. Seek understanding. Stretch your worldview.
• Befriend the body. Increase your awareness of your body. Understand how it reacts when you are stressed or ashamed. Learn to tell the difference between discomfort and pain.
• Focus on holding yourself responsible and accountable. Consider if your internal and external resources are being used in accordance with your values. Action often alleviates guilt.

Sometimes confronting personal bias or past mistakes can feel emotionally overwhelming. A licensed therapist can offer confidential support without judgment.

References:  

1. Aizenman, N. (2016). Do these jeans make me look unethical? National Public Radio. Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2016/01/07/462132196/do-these-jeans-make-me-look-unethical
2. Aldebot, S., & de Mamani, A. G. (2009). Denial and acceptance coping styles and medication adherence in schizophrenia. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 197(8), 580–584. doi:10.1097/NMD.0b013e3181b05fbe
3. D’Angelo, R. (2011). White fragility. The International Journal of Pedagogy, (3) Retrieved from http://libjournal.uncg.edu/ijcp/article/view/249/116
4. Kendi, I. X. (2018). The heartbeat of racism is denial. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/13/opinion/sunday/heartbeat-of-racism-denial.html
5. Lewis, T. (2013). Fearful experiences passed on in mouse families. Live Science. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/41717-mice-inherit-fear-scents-genes.html
6. Lynching of Rubin Stacy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida [Photograph]. (1935) Retrieved March 2019 from https://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-lynching-of-rubin-stacy-in-fort-lauderdale-florida-49908098.html
7. Raheem, M. A., & Hart, K. A. (2019, March). Counseling individuals of African descent. Counseling Today, 61(9). Retrieved from https://ct.counseling.org/2019/03/counseling-individuals-of-african-descent
8. Winn, M. E. (1996). The strategic and systemic management of denial in the cognitive/behavioral treatment of sexual offenders. Sexual Abuse, 8(1), 25–36. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/107906329600800104

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Tahmi Perzichilli, LPCC, LADC, therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota

How to Forgive Yourself: The Road to Self-Acceptance

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on September 18, 2018 • By Blythe C. Landry, MEd, LCSW

Being hurt and having disappointments in life are universal equalizers, as is the need to forgive. When we think of forgiveness, we often focus on the need to forgive people who have harmed us and those who have not been available in the ways we hoped they would be. One topic of forgiveness that often gets lost in the proverbial shuffle is self-forgiveness.

As we walk through life, it is so easy to recall and recount the many ways that people around us have done us wrong. What is often far more difficult (and humbling) is to remember that we too are human beings. We too have most likely done things we are ashamed about or have harmed another person (even unintentionally).

In the process of healing from our past traumas and wounds, we are unlikely to fully recover if we avoid the very important step of looking at the disappointments and hurts we might have inflicted upon others.

Sometimes in life, even when we are trying to be as perfect as perfect can be, we can still be neglectful of the people we love most or fail to live up to standards others may have set for us. And even when we have tried our very best, there are still things in our pasts and in our stories that need to be addressed. We need to examine these things in order to move forward with our heads held high.

3-STEP PROCESS ON HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF:

1. Tell the truth.

 You may try to distract yourself from guilt or self-disappointment by focusing on other parts of your life. But we know deep down inside when we have done something we aren’t proud of.

Here is the thing. It is literally impossible to avoid making mistakes. As a human being, there is absolutely zero way to get out of this life without having things you are sorry you have done. When you are ready to get honest with yourself, you can not only see the patterns of your past, but also to start your life with a clean slate.

Telling the truth about your mistakes may or may not involve sharing them with another person. Maybe it involves you getting out a notebook and writing everything that comes to mind. Maybe it is sharing your past aloud with a safe friend. Whichever way you do it, getting all the secrets and pain out of your head is a great first step toward total self-forgiveness.

We can’t go anywhere if we don’t let go of from where we have come. Getting utterly honest about your past and the secrets you carry is a very important first step.

Note: There is a huge difference between shame around abuse others inflicted on you as a child or vulnerable victim and feeling authentic guilt about ghosting a friend or walking out on a job. Shame for things that were never your fault is not the same thing as taking radical responsibility for your adult choices.

2. Sit with the feelings.

When we have a backlog of guilt and remorse in our lives, it can be so scary to open up those emotions. To slow down. To sit still. To feel the consequences of not only the actions that we regret, but also the feelings we have been stuffing down in order to avoid the guilt.

Sitting with your feelings doesn’t mean sitting in a chair and staring out and being emotional all day. It just means that when the sadness, guilt, fear, or anger arise, to avoid shoving or hiding them away again. Even if you can’t do it perfectly, you can practice that action one uncomfortable feeling at a time. Sitting with your feelings can be a life-changing opportunity.

Some productive ways to “sit with feelings” can include daily journaling or listening to music that allows the feelings to come to the surface. You could also talk to a safe person who can handle your emotions and your pain. You may even write a letter (that you may or may not ever give) to the person you may have treated poorly.

3. Don’t forget the pain you’ve caused yourself.

Adding yourself to the list of things you are forgiving yourself for sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But in reality, you are the most important name on your list!

This step is about taking stock of how much time you have spent beating yourself up for being imperfect.

How many ways have you shown disdain for yourself?

How often have you avoided your feelings by taking part in unhealthy behaviors?

How many times have you neglected yourself by under-eating or under-sleeping?

How many times and ways have you not shown yourself the love and acceptance that are your birthright to deserve?

This step is about turning your self-forgiveness even deeper towards yourself. It is about forgiving yourself for all the times you did not forgive yourself.

Steps 2 and 3 are a lifelong process. They are about learning the art of sitting with discomfort, while at the same time learning to practice radical self-acceptance. These are not basic things. These are advanced-level skills. With long-term practice comes growth, but never total perfection.

If you are ready to dive into a journey of self-forgiveness, I would recommend working with a seasoned counselor who can help you cope with some of the really intense feelings that may arise. As with all things that are hard, it is a good idea to ask for help. Remember, no matter who you are, that you never have to do life totally alone.

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Blythe C. Landry, MEd, LCSW, therapist in Nashville, Tennessee

What to Do When Stress Feels Overwhelming

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on September 5, 2018 • By Marni Amsellem, PhD

Stress is a fact of life; there is no way to avoid it altogether. Sometimes we anticipate its arrival while other times, it is thrust upon us without warning. The best thing we can do for ourselves in the face of stress is to ensure we know how to manage our response to it. Thinking about this in the present can help prevent misfortune or missteps now and in the future.

REACTING TO STRESS

When we experience stress, both our mind and body become engaged and respond. Sometimes we are aware of our response; we can feel our muscles tense up or our breath become shallow. We can observe ourselves becoming more on edge or reactive. We may notice changes in our concentration, appetite, and energy or a whole host of changes in our behavior. Other times we are less aware of how we are affected in the small ways, and before long, we feel overwhelmed.

WHEN STRESS IS BOTTLED UP

You may know this from experience, and it is worth pausing to reflect on experiences of past stress. What has happened to you in the past when you have not prioritized dealing with your stress? When you don’t find outlets for stress during a challenging time, you are bottling up what is weighing you down. Think of yourself as “content under pressure.” If you don’t eventually have an outlet, your emotions may explode. Fortunately, this can often be prevented. The things you do to take care of yourself along the way can help buffer the impact of stress.

5 TIPS FOR MANAGING STRESS

The trick is to pay attention to your regularly needs and to find stress management strategies that allow you to let it out. Once you’ve identified your strategy, you’ll then need to take action and put it into practice. Regularly finding healthy outlets for yourself is key to successfully navigating daily challenges and maintaining emotional health. The following are tips to help guide you:

1. Know yourself. Consider what your usual ways of dealing with stress are. What is your first line of defense when it comes to stress, and what are things that have worked well in the past? For example, do you have someone reliable you can call on? Do you head to the gym? Do you reach for your meditation app? When in need, by all means, rely on the usual standbys. The bottom line is that the things you have done in the past to decompress or overcome stress can offer comfort now.
   
2. Tap into your creativity. Stressful situations can quickly drain your resources. One way to feel replenished is to get in touch with your creative side. This may be what you intuitively gravitate toward, but for those who don’t consider themselves creative at all, remember that everyone has the ability to be creative. Does the idea of cooking dinner from scratch, frosting cupcakes, or re-arranging the layout of a room excite you? Does playing a musical instrument or even creating a playlist of your favorite songs get you energized? Some of these suggestions will resonate while others won’t, but they were suggested to get the ideas percolating. Whether you draw, dance, or write, tap into a creative outlet.
   
3. Practice healthy habits. So many lifestyle choices that we practice or neglect to practice ultimately affect how we feel each day and how we approach and respond to stress. When we are well-rested, for example, we are less vulnerable to the negative effects of stress. We may be less irritable and better able to think clearly. Being mindful of our eating, drinking, and sleeping habits, physical activity levels, social activities, online activities, and regular engagement in other self-care practices will contribute to your resiliency in the face of stress. Taking a slow, deep breath may help as well.
   
4. Distract yourself. Immerse yourself in an activity to take your mind off of your stress. Dedicate some time to yourself to do something you enjoy. Listen to a podcast, watch a movie, pick up a novel. Take a walk outside. Volunteer. Focus on a home project. Changing the pace by focusing on a task that is not stressful will help you recenter and gain back some perspective.
   
5. Talk to someone. Find someone you trust to share the stressful moments and doubts with who can help you work through decisions and allow you to vent when you need it. This person can be a family member, a friend, a professional, or anyone who you find is helpful to you. The important thing is to know that you don’t have to go through stress alone.
   

Taken on their own or taken together, integrating these tips into your day regularly will boost your resilience to the impact of the stressors that you face in everyday life as well as the larger challenges you face. Recognizing the need for outlets and routine maintenance will go a long way.

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Marni Amsellem, PhD, therapist in Trumbull, Connecticut


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