Looking for Love? Addressing These Belief Patterns May Help

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on September 14, 2018 • By Michael Zone, LCSW-P, ACSW, MS, MED, JD

Along with finding a meaningful career, finding a loving relationship is often one of the most important goals we pursue. Billions of dollars are spent helping people find true love.

Despite the plethora of sites and services available, including matchmaking experts and relationship coaches, millions of people cannot seem to find that love connection. Even when they do, the divorce rate hovers around 50%. Why is this the case?

FIRST, FIND YOURSELF: HOW DO BELIEFS ABOUT THE SELF DEVELOP?

Schemas

Schemas, organized patterns of thoughts that influence how we react to the world and the people in it, has a long and storied history. The idea of schemas was discussed by a diverse group of people, from Immanuel Kant to Jean Piaget and from Aaron Beck to Jeffrey Young.

Jeffrey Young, in his book Schema Therapy, describes a mostly cognitive-behavioral model. It ascribes many, if not most, disorders to the formation of thoughts and beliefs about oneself, other people, and the world in general. These thoughts and beliefs are primarily learned in childhood and impact how we perceive ourselves and others. Schemas may include beliefs that lead to mistrust, abuse, and shame-based thoughts such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m a loser,” and “I’ll always be a failure.” These schemas cause us to act in negative and harmful ways and impact healthy emotional functioning.

Life Scripts

Life scripts was developed by Eric Berne for use in treating clients using Transactional analysis (TA). Essentially, life scripts are developed in childhood and act as a guide or direction for where our lives will go. We learn these scripts when we are young as we try to cope with and make sense of the world in the best way we know how at the time.

Life script ideas might include the beliefs and thoughts such as “boys don’t cry” or “don’t question authority.” Both life scripts and schema are absorbed by children from their parents, media, religion, and the dominant culture. They are then internalized and acted upon as if they were true.

HOW COGNITIVE THERAPY ADDRESSES BELIEFS ABOUT THE SELF

Cognitive therapy posits that people upset themselves by the thoughts they have rather than any particular situation or circumstance. The Greek philosopher, Epictetus, is often used to illustrate the idea of cognitive therapy—“Man is not disturbed by things, but rather the views he takes of them.”

Cognitive therapists have identified many cognitive distortions that are universal. These include labeling, discounting the positive, emotional reasoning, dogmatic demands, mind-reading, fortune-telling, and overgeneralization. The goal of cognitive therapy is to help clients identify and then challenge these distorted beliefs and replace them with more rational and realistic beliefs. While schemas and life scripts typically occur on an individual level, millions of people might have learned the same messages from their parents or from the culture at large.

IDENTIFYING INGRAINED BELIEFS ABOUT LOVE AND DATING

Many of the schema and life scripts we learn have to do with other people and relationships. We may pick up the idea that in order to be loved, we must be agreeable or passive. Perhaps you were taught you were a “princess” and were entitled to a “prince.” Maybe you learned that in order to be secure, you must marry someone rich, or to be important, you must be with someone famous. These ideas are supported by popular culture. The most famous and powerful people in the world are seen as role models to be envied and copied. We come to believe that if we are not in a relationship with someone rich, accomplished, attractive, and desirable, we are not successful.

Peruse some dating apps and you will find people who look for others with high social value—doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, and other professionals. People must have perfectly toned bodies, high income, and a great complexion. For women, height in a man is often preferred, whereas for men, perhaps due to wanting children, youth is typically at a premium. Users of dating apps set the filters to weed out undesirable characteristics and hope to get the perfect partner who is rich, attractive, fit, healthy, successful, powerful, and stable. Often, we demand in others qualities we do not ourselves possess.

When these desires are raised to the level of demands and entitlements, it becomes a problem. We believe we deserve someone who looks like Chris Hemsworth or Scarlett Johansson and someone who has the money of a Bill Gates or an Oprah Winfrey. From the time we were young, we may have been told or had picked up through media that our worth was tied to who we were partners with. These schema, or life scripts, cause us to dismiss anyone who doesn’t meet up to the beliefs we absorbed growing up and that were reinforced by popular culture. This is often why both dating apps and professional matchmakers are not as successful as you would imagine.

INVEST IN YOURSELF: SWITCH THE SCRIPT AND CHANGE THE SCHEMA

Until people are able to change the unrealistic, distorted, and harmful schema we have been raised on, we will likely continue to dismiss good, caring, and loving partners because they don’t measure up to what we’ve been told, taught, or learned. Fortunately, just as cognitive distortions can be identified and replaced, so too can schema and life scripts be changed and replaced.

If you have been on a dating app for at least a year or working with a matchmaker and no one has matched your criteria, it is unlikely they ever will. Are there really no good men and women out there? Is it realistic that after looking at thousands of profiles and being set up with dozens of prospective dates, you haven’t seen or met anyone who is a good match? The answer is that your soulmate could have been “swiped left” by you. Worse, it may continue happening unless you do meet that perfect person and they find you to be just as perfect.

Invest in yourself. Talk with a trusted therapist or counselor about helping you address these harmful and dysfunctional schema and life scripts. Become the real you rather than following the script that was written for you long ago. If you want to find love, you need to find you. The real you. The authentic you. Writing your own script could help ensure it has a happy ending.

Reference:

Young, J. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

How to Talk About Relationship Problems with Your Partner

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on September 24, 2018 • Contributed by Kristin Rosenthal, MA, LPC

Something touched off hard feelings between you and your partner. Maybe it was a simple mistake. Your loved one forgot to pick up the milk on the way home. Or maybe you wanted some sympathy after a bad day at work, only to hear your partner criticize you. Ouch.

Now you’re upset. You may wonder if your partner really understands or cares about you.

How do you fix a relationship problem? Many people dread conflict so much they say nothing. They hope the bad feelings will just go away.

HOW TO BRING UP A RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM

You need to know how to talk about a relationship problem. The important thing is to learn how to allow the emotions involved.

Because avoiding emotional pain in your relationship works against you.

Hard feelings between you don’t go away on their own. You need to see them and soothe them as a couple, so they resolve. That’s one major function of a healthy relationship.

I worked with a couple I’ll call Bob and Amy. Amy wanted to keep just those things around the house they needed and used now. Bob preferred having stuff like extra boxes, umbrellas, and materials for projects. Bob tended not to tidy up unless pressed. And when Amy has pressed Bob, they had terrible fights.

Now Amy doesn’t feel free to speak up about the “clutter” issue, though it still bothers her. Meanwhile, Bob throws away more than he wants to, and resents it. And he worries Amy will never be satisfied, no matter how little he keeps or how neat he tries to be.

Do you see the trouble? On the surface, the disconnect is about stuff in the house. But as a therapist trained in emotionally focused therapy (EFT), my job is to help Bob and Amy see the unspoken thoughts and emotions at work. What’s under the anger and resentment? What do those thoughts mean to their sense of attachment as a couple?

LEARNING TO SEE WHAT HURTS

In therapy, Amy admitted feeling Bob’s stuff was more important than her peace of mind. She felt dismissed and hurt. She needed Bob to hear that his desire for “stuff” seemed to come first, and it made her feel unwanted. After Amy expressed her hurt in a vulnerable way, you could feel their tension soften.

Then Bob said he worried that even if he threw everything away, she’d still find fault with him. He felt rejected. Bob needed Amy to hear that her demand for “order” left him no room to be himself.

Before they can solve their lifestyle problem, the bigger problem needs tending: the underlying panic that neither of them saw or cared about each other. They took time to tend the hurts and put stress relief first.

After Bob and Amy connected emotionally, they could affirm their support for each other. They quickly found the energy to be co-creative. They agreed on “clean” zones for Amy and built a “man-shed” for Bob. But more important, they learned how to take each other’s distress to heart, find the source, and assure each other they matter.

Sometimes, tensions arose again. But now they could talk over what was happening without getting locked into battle or withdrawal.

RELATIONSHIP STRESS NEEDS A RESPONSE

Unsolved relationship issues trigger deeper worries about how safe and secure partners feel together. It’s hard to feel close when you’re worried. That’s why distress with a loved one needs to be resolved.

Doubts about a connection can make a person feel threatened or in danger. That’s because we naturally seek safety in relationships. Deep down, relationship hurts trigger bigger questions: Do I matter to you? Are we okay?

If we’re not sure how to say “I care” to each other, it’s easier to get angry and strike out against what seems wrong.

When we speak out of anger, we’re headed for trouble. There’s actually nothing wrong with saying something is bothering you. But the key to fixing your relationship is to talk about what you need—not your partner’s faults.

What else can couples do besides struggle in silence?

GOOD (AND BAD) WAYS TO TELL YOUR PARTNER SOMETHING IS WRONG

Let’s look at some of the damaging ways some people bring up relationship issues. Compare these to some healthier ways to fix a problem instead:

Don’t glare: Don’t glower, grumble, or go silent to get a reaction. It doesn’t help your loved one understand. More likely, angry looks will make your partner defensive.

Do be clear: Do tell your loved one that you are upset. Say what you are upset about without blame. “I didn’t like the way you spoke to me when you came home.”

• Not this: “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you remember one little thing?”
• Try this: “I was counting on your help. You forgot about it, and I feel like I don’t matter.”

Don’t assume: Don’t expect your partner knows how you feel or can figure out what you want to happen.

Do explain: Tell your partner what hurts you. Be clear about what you want and need.

• Not this: “You’ll never understand. You should know me a lot better by now.”
• Try this: “I need you to see how upset I am about work. Can I just vent? I would really like some support.”

Don’t get personal: Avoid put-downs or name-calling. Words such as “selfish,” “clueless,” or nasty names usually make problems worse.

Do speak from experience: Focus on what happened for you. Clean anger deals with behavior rather than character.

• Not this: “You said you’d get the milk. Can’t you get your act together for once?”
• Try this: “I get really stressed when there’s no milk for the kids. I know you didn’t mean to forget. How can we stay on top of this better?”
  

WHY REPAIR WORKS SO WELL TO FIX RELATIONSHIPS

Repair is one of the most powerful things you can do to build a stronger relationship.

You don’t need to be perfect for each other to be happy together. You can do a lot to restore goodwill by repairing hurts.

What separates many successful couples from less happy ones is the ability to make repairs. It allows you to keep getting better at responding to each other’s needs over time.

Repair is any gesture—a phrase, apology, hug, a friendly glance—that eases the negativity between you.

A lot depends on whether, beneath it all, you see each other as friends. Even if the repair attempt is awkward or clumsy, faith in your friendship will tips the scales toward healing after conflict.

Your kindness—and your partner’s ability to accept it—makes you both part of the solution instead of the problem for each other.

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT JOBS IN THE WORLD

It’s hard to admit we need each other. No one wants to invite ridicule or rejection by showing a tender need for love and acceptance. Yet it’s more terrible to feel cut off and alone.

“Do I matter to you?” That’s the question we need to hear “yes” to, especially when one of you is hurt.

Gently explaining your hurt is the first step to deepening your understanding together. Being able to hear when your partner is hurt is just as important to make things better.

This is much easier said than done. It’s tempting to avoid painful feelings rather than talk through relationship issues. That’s why a good therapist can be a powerful help to find a repair process that works for you.

Talking to your partner when you’re upset is a great chance to connect. You can learn to get your message through in a way that works with your need to connect, not against it.

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Kristin Rosenthal, MA, LPC, therapist in Alexandria, Virginia

Resilient Children Grow Up to Be Resilient Adults–True or Not?

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on April 23, 2019 • Contributed by Jacqueline Pearce, MSEd, LMHC

Problems in life are inevitable. Challenges cannot be avoided. Life is not always a bed of roses. The ability to recover from a difficult or unpleasant situation is resilience. Resilience means being able to get back on track, as strong as before, after an unanticipated setback such as physical or emotional trauma.

Resilience is not something a person is or isn’t born with; it is an acquired skill a child develops gradually. Kids are vulnerable. For some, the slightest stress can cause major anxiety issues that last a lifetime. Others can counter stress better.

DEVELOPING RESILIENCE

It is during childhood that a kid is most likely to develop this skill. Resilient children grow up to be resilient adults as they learn how to deal with stress and difficulties from a young age.

Development of resilience in children occurs at three levels, which are:

1. Individual
2. Family
3. Environment

Development of resilience requires input from within, from family, and from the environment, which may also mean society at large.

Not all children can be the same physically, mentally, or emotionally. Everyone has a different threshold of bearing stress, but resilience can be developed at a young age through various methods.

HEALTHY RISK TAKING

Children should not be sheltered by their families from taking risks. In fact, healthy risk taking should be encouraged. Healthy risk taking means letting your child take risks which could hold some risk but also reward.

An example is letting a child try a new sport. Even if they fail, no significant damage is done. This can teach children to face failure positively and come out more confident than before.

LET THE CHILD SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS

It’s natural for a parent to want to solve every problem their child has. If and when a parent does that, the child would never learn to solve problems independently. They would never learn what independence is. You should always let your child know you are there to support them. However, try not to walk your child to a solution. Let your child solve their problems independently.

Ask your child questions and let the problem bounce back to your child. Leave it to them to find the solution. It will develop problem solving skills in your child from a very young age.

DON’T ASK WHY, ASK HOW

Avoid ‘why’ questions with your kids. Asking your child why they did something may often get you a response such as “I don’t know,” “I forgot,” or something similarly straightforward. Instead, ask your child how they plan on fixing something they messed up.

Try asking your child questions like, “You let the tap keep running; there is water all over the place. How do you think you can fix it?” Asking ‘how’ questions can promote problem-solving skills in your child. They will think about ways they can fix things. Letting a child analyze situations and solve problems is one of the most important keys to developing resilience.

HELP YOUR CHILD UNDERSTAND EMOTIONS

A child may have difficulty labeling the emotions they are feeling. For development of resilience in children, it is important that they understand what they are feeling and deal with their emotions accordingly.

If you assist your child in labeling and understanding their emotions, they will be better able to cope with emotional stress and turmoil. An emotionally stable child will often grow up to become a resilient adult.

SUPPORT YOUR CHILD EMOTIONALLY

Children can be emotionally vulnerable. They may need constant emotional support from people they love. Children often need emotional support to feel strong. Knowing they aren’t alone in a situation will not only make them more confident, but they may be willing to try new and challenging ways to solve problems.

Tell your child how much you love them, and don’t forget to remind them how proud you are of them. Just by telling your child that you believe they can do it can really make them want to do it!

CHARACTERISTICS OF A RESILIENT CHILD

If you want to see how resilient your children are, keep an eye out to see if they can:

• Tackle problems on their own
• Manage their emotions
• Take risks
• Face challenges confidently
• Solve problems efficiently
  

LONG TERM EFFECTS OF RESILIENCE

When these qualities are inbuilt in someone from an early age, they are able to reach their long term goals and work their way through their problems independently. A resilient child is strong, self sufficient, self sustaining, and self reliant when all grown up. In this way, development of resilience in children holds special significance in their upbringing.

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

How to Stop Nagging and Get Children to Listen the First Time

Originally posted on GoodTherapy.org on April 12, 2019 • By Zawn Villines

Parenthood can feel like little more than endless nagging. Clean up your toys. Do your homework. No, don’t do that. No, you still can’t do that. Trying to get kids to listen can be exhausting. The frustration of nagging can also affect your relationship with your child. Parents can become angry and unkind, or they may spend so much time trying to get kids to listen that they are unable to enjoy playing with their kids. Children may become resentful or feel like the only attention they get from their parents is negative.

You don’t have to spend your kids’ childhood as an exasperated taskmaster. Here’s how to end the battle of wills for good.

WHAT IS NAGGING?

Every parent has to give their child instructions. Whether it’s teaching a child how to clean up a spill or reminding a child to pack their lunch for school, these daily reminders and instructions are par for the course.

Nagging is categorically different. Parents nag when they repeatedly remind children of their chores and obligations. The fundamental issue underlying nagging is that the parent takes on responsibility for the child. Rather than a child worrying about completing her own homework, for example, the parent manages the child’s time for them.

Nagging can be frustrating and annoying to both parents and children. It can also harm both parties in many ways, including:

• Excessive emotional labor for the parent. Keeping track of a child’s responsibilities can be exhausting, especially when that work primarily or exclusively falls to one parent. A parent who must manage the child’s time and responsibilities has less time of their own. They also have less mental space for creative thinking, daydreaming, and strategizing. This can be exhausting and even depressing. When one parent does all or most of the emotional labor, this can negatively affect the parents’ relationship with each other.
• Fewer opportunities to learn. Children can learn from failure. In fact, in some cases failure is a potent motivator. A child who can’t go on a field trip or a fun school outing may never again forget a permission slip.
• Less independence for children. Children need some freedom to control their own time, explore their own interests, and make their own decisions. This helps foster self-efficacy that can propel them into successful, autonomous adulthood. Consider that a fifth grader might be more productive at night, or they may work better in 15-minute chunks than in one long hour-long session. Parents who nag their children exert unnecessary control over the child’s decisions and time. Giving children a little more freedom can help them find time management skills that work.
• Making parenthood less enjoyable. Parenthood is exhausting and grueling. All parents struggle with feeling overwhelmed from time to time. Parents who continually nag their children, however, may feel even more overwhelmed. Nagging nurtures a negative relationship cycle that can make both parents and children angry and resentful.

Perhaps most importantly, nagging may not work. If nagging did work, parents wouldn’t have to do it all the time because children would begin remembering their obligations. So parents who nag often waste time and emotional effort on a strategy that’s doomed to fail.

BETTER COMMUNICATION CAN LEAD TO BETTER COMPLIANCE

It’s easy for adults to forget that being a kid can be tough. Empathy is key to understanding why your child doesn’t listen. In some cases, it’s as simple as feeling overwhelmed. An endless list of tasks that seem boring and irrelevant can cause kids to ignore parents. Consider instead working as a collaborative team. Some strategies that may help include:

• Including your child in discussions about family goals. Solicit your child’s input on which tasks they think are fair and how frequently they should do them.
• Getting your child invested in family life. It’s tough to motivate a kid to cut the lawn when they don’t care how the house looks, for example. Likewise, kids may not want to clean their room if they feel like they’re being forced. Helping kids see the benefits of various tasks—easily finding toys, for example—may help. In some cases, an extrinsic motivator such as an allowance may improve compliance.
• Allowing your child to decide how to do the tasks you ask them to complete. Don’t force your child to complete homework at a specific time, in the room of your choosing, while you stand over them. Giving your child age-appropriate freedom to make decisions can improve compliance.
• Recognizing what is and is not developmentally typical. A four-year-old cannot anticipate plans for tomorrow, and a six-year-old can’t set long-term goals. Know whether your expectations are reasonable.
• Making time and space for your child’s goals. Are there things your child wants you to do—such as play soccer or help them paint their new chest of drawers? Negotiating time to do the things your child wants can help them feel like you value them and their time, potentially ending the fight over chores.
• Being direct. Tell your child what you want them to do, and ensure they know how to do it. Don’t be passive-aggressive or attempt to guilt-trip your child.
  

RECOGNIZING NEEDS VERSUS WANTS

Every child is an individual with their own personality. Some kids will never care about an organized room. Others are meticulously clean. Allow space for your child’s unique personality by setting some minimum requirements, then allowing your child to decide how to meet those requirements.

Likewise, it’s important to distinguish things your child must do from things you would merely like them to do. Learning to play the piano is not a requirement for a happy, healthy childhood, while regular doctor’s appointments are. Every parent must either learn to choose their battles or spend their days in a state of perpetual frustration. Some questions to ask yourself when deciding to pick your battles include:

• Is there a way I can give my child more autonomy to do this task? For example, can I let my child pick their own shampoo, or decide what time to take a shower?
• Is there a different activity my child can do that accomplishes the same goal? Most parents want their children to be fit and active. That doesn’t mean they need to play a specific sport, or even spend time outside. A fitness video game, spending time in the garden, or ballroom dancing classes might help.
• How can I give my child more control when they have no choice? No child wants to get a shot. Allowing the child to pick which arm the injection goes into or what you do after the shot might help.
• Why do I want my child to do this thing? Sometimes tradition, your own childhood, or fears about what others might think can affect your parenting. There’s nothing inherently harmful about wearing mismatched clothes or going out with messy hair.
• Is my child able to do this? A child who repeatedly “fails” to complete a task may not be deliberately disobeying you. They might not be old enough to complete the task, or they might have a condition such as ADHD or autism that makes the task difficult.
• Is my child ignoring me as a way of acting out? Children may display behavioral problems due to bullying at school, trauma, or a recent change in the family, such as the birth of a new sibling.

THERAPY FOR DEEPER ISSUES

Don’t allow nagging to become a chronic issue. If you still can’t stop or your child struggles to meet their obligations, you may want to find a child counselor. The right therapist can:

• Help you identify developmental factors that affect your child’s ability to listen.
• Help you and your child talk through communication barriers and find common ground.
• Identify underlying concerns that may impede communication. ADHD and other issues may cause a child to struggle to keep up no matter how much you nag. The right therapist can help you adapt your parenting style and find the right comprehensive treatment.
• Help you discuss your own feelings about a child’s noncompliance. Many parents worry that they are inadequate or that other parents will judge them.

A compassionate therapist can help you end the nagging war. There is no shame in seeking support.

References:

1. Atance, C. M., & Meltzoff, A. N. (2005) My future self: Young children’s ability to anticipate and explain future states. Cognitive Development, 20(1), 341-361. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3744374
2. Chen, J. (2019, January 31). Emotional labour was eroding my marriage—This is how we tried to fix it. Today’s Parent. Retrieved from https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/emotional-labour-eroding-your-marriage
3. How to give kids effective instructions. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/how-to-give-kids-effective-instructions
4. Myers, R. (2011, July). Why nagging doesn’t work. Retrieved from https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/why-nagging-doesnt-work
5. Normal child behavior. (2018, October 16). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Normal-Child-Behavior.aspx
6. Penza‐Clyve, S. M., Mansell, C., & McQuaid, E. L. (2004). Why don’t children take their asthma medications? A qualitative analysis of children’s perspectives on adherence. Journal of Asthma, 41(2), 189-197. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1081/JAS-120026076

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.